Why Scientists Should Bottle my Dog’s Flatulence

I have a proposition to make: I will sell my dog’s bottled farts to the police force to use in lieu of tear gas. Although the smell may indicate otherwise, they are completely natural, and they are always readily available. My dog, in all her glory, is a mere 50 lbs; she produces roughly that number in inches cubed of gas per day. Keep in mind that not just any dog’s farts will do, as pit bulls are notorious for their potent exhaust: her farts have made grown men cry like little boys at the end of Old Yeller. Thus, CC (the aforementioned pit bull) has found herself a niche: she could make a healthy living by doing nothing more than she is now, laying on the couch and releasing little puffs of toxic gas. Occasionally her exhaust will backfire and release out her front end, and this byproduct is neither as useful nor as threatening. She has been known to wake herself up with her own farts: she will be soundly asleep (and snoring, as she is wont to do) in a little ball, with her nose precariously close to her release valve, when her eyes will suddenly jolt open and she will nonchalantly move to the other end of the couch. This leaves any bystanders, who do not recognize this behavior as a warning indicator, tearing up in the dust- or rather, the airborne pittie particulates. So, to any wrongdoers, beware! “CC Farts” are soon to be the newest technology in self-defense and tactical maneuvers.

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