I hate nature; I prefer glass between me and the great outdoors. I don’t like sunlight, walking into spider webs, or dirt. That having been said, my friends are trying to coerce me into going camping. I’ve been putting it off for a few summers now, but I don’t want to be that kid who always turns down sleep-over invitations out of fear of wetting the bed. So, after some research, I’m compiled some camping survival tips for people like me.
1.) Sunscreen. I don’t care how much you hate slathering that nastiness on, you’ll hate sunburns even more.
2.) Bug spray. “But it isn’t good for the environment!” the hippies say. Well, too damn bad. The bugs are just lucky that I’m not carting around a container of Agent Orange.
3.) Clothing. Here’s my policy on clothing: I’d rather have it and not need it, than need it and not have it. So pack your parkas, ladies and gentlemen- despite the warm days, the nights can get flipping cold.
4.) Medical supplies. My policy on medical supplies: (see above clothing policy). In my medical bag, I have: sutures, triangle bandages, butterfly closures, a minor surgery kit, saline solution, ammonia inhalants, a silver colloidal suspension, v-vac, CPR mask, alcohol prep pads, a splint, and a host of other miscellaneous supplies. I’m pretty sure that I could save my friends post-bear-attack, even though I’d probably puke while stitching them up.
5.) Flashlights. Plural. With a crap ton of extra batteries. I do NOT like having to pee in the dark.
6.) Allergy medicine. In my experience, the best way to combat allergies is with a grape-flavored preemptive strike. The children’s liquid stuff works best.
7.) My own car, because quite frankly, I want an escape plan in case #1 through #6 aren’t quite cutting it.
So my friends, if you still aren’t dissuaded from the idea of camping, please remember these helpful tips- or you’ll come back miserable, sun burnt, covered in bug bites, cold, bloody, and in the dark.