Whenever I try a new beauty routine, I make my boyfriend swear on his left testicle (not literally, of course) that he will NOT, under ANY circumstances, make fun of me. I should say that I am very proud of him for biting his tongue during my most recent experiment, during which I looked like a sad cucumber: Queen Helene’s Mint Julep Masque. Despite my fastidious cleansing regimen, I still struggle with blemishes (I don’t count my freckles, as they’re permanent residents). When I showed up at Sally Beauty Supply clad in sweatpants and desperation, they were having a huge sale on what appeared to be a jar full of greenish goop. Some of our worst choices are made out of desperation for results, and likewise some of our best are made under similar circumstances. In this particular case, my leap of faith had fantastic results: smaller, cleaner pores, and firm skin. As in my post about the gelatin masque, I shall say again: wait until you are by yourself to apply this less-than-beautiful beauty treatment, or risk being forever alone.
The container says to “apply generously,” by which they mean to scoop a heaping clay wad out of the jar and onto your flesh. The first thing I noticed was a strong tingling sensation bordering on a burning sensation- no pain, no gain I suppose (I should not that after my 2nd or 3rd time using this, the tingling was no longer an issue). During the 15 minutes I sat on the couch in my solidifying chrysalis of goop, I wondered if this must be how a caterpillar feels while it waits to become a butterfly: awkward, confined and unsure of the final results. Fast forwarding to 15 minutes later, the goop is no longer goopy: it looks like the cracked mud you see on the ground after a puddle has dried up. Remove the transformed goobers from your face with a washcloth, preferably one that you don’t care about turning green. Much to my astonishment, when I removed the chrysalis, I emerged as a metaphorical butterfly with smaller pores and fewer blackheads!! Hooray! Ultimately, although this is one of the least attractive beauty treatments I’ve tried, it is by far one of the most effective. So, if you no longer wish for your face to look like a connect-the-dots of blackheads, give the green goobers a try.
Over the last two months, I have been closely observing my dog, and I’m sure she has been closely observing me. Her behavior is sometimes so human that I wonder how they can’t speak; she would probably have some very amusing stories to tell, and most likely ones that I would prefer that she take to her grave. I give you: life lessons from my dog.
- Take time to stop and smell the urine (ahem, I mean, roses).
- Never let the snow touch your tummy.
- Never let ANYONE wipe your butt, EVER- it might be a trap.
- When everyone around you tells you that you can’t do something, try it anyway- especially if you’re a dog trying to climb a pine tree. They’re probably right, but if you want that squirrel badly enough, you’ll get there!
- The best way to get what you want is to lay down and wait to pounce on it, even if it’s a person.
- Get excited every time you poop. After all, you have to be alive in order to poop!
- Talk to strangers. (Remember kids, CC is a grown-up dog, so it’s okay for her to talk to strangers).
- Never trust a hot dog being offered to you: it probably contains a pill of some sort.
- Eat everything you find on the ground that looks even remotely like it was, at some point, food. I roughly translate this to the 3-second-rule.
- Hog the blankets.
- You know that plate of cookies on the counter? Eat them. All of them.
- Feel no shame about scratching an itch in public, regardless of where that itch is located on your body.
- Feel no shame in general.
Now, please take these lessons with a grain of salt, as they are not all applicable to our daily lives- or, if you have found a situation in which these are applicable, PLEASE let me know so I can share your story with CC. Especially the butt wiping one. Enjoy your day, and remember to stop and smell the urine roses.
I have a proposition to make: I will sell my dog’s bottled farts to the police force to use in lieu of tear gas. Although the smell may indicate otherwise, they are completely natural, and they are always readily available. My dog, in all her glory, is a mere 50 lbs; she produces roughly that number in inches cubed of gas per day. Keep in mind that not just any dog’s farts will do, as pit bulls are notorious for their potent exhaust: her farts have made grown men cry like little boys at the end of Old Yeller. Thus, CC (the aforementioned pit bull) has found herself a niche: she could make a healthy living by doing nothing more than she is now, laying on the couch and releasing little puffs of toxic gas. Occasionally her exhaust will backfire and release out her front end, and this byproduct is neither as useful nor as threatening. She has been known to wake herself up with her own farts: she will be soundly asleep (and snoring, as she is wont to do) in a little ball, with her nose precariously close to her release valve, when her eyes will suddenly jolt open and she will nonchalantly move to the other end of the couch. This leaves any bystanders, who do not recognize this behavior as a warning indicator, tearing up in the dust- or rather, the airborne pittie particulates. So, to any wrongdoers, beware! “CC Farts” are soon to be the newest technology in self-defense and tactical maneuvers.
For the most part, I am a very independent person- I cut my own meat, boil my own water, etc. However, when it comes to open flame, my significant other and I have agreed that it would just be better if I didn’t perform scientific experimentation (especially when the experiment is derived from a Pinterest post) by myself. So, I present to you, my latest Pintastrophe: the cut glass bottle.
In an ideal world, you would simply soak some string in acetone nail polish remover, wrap said string around the bottle at the desired cutting location, light the string on fire, then dip the whole kit and caboodle in ice cold water to make a clean cut. But, as you might have noticed, my blog is about reality- and in reality, clumsy people and fire don’t mix, and glass bottles can be very stubborn. After several awkward and dangerous attempts at bottle-cutting last night (supervised by Cody, of course), I decided to be adventurous and cut a bottle myself. As I’m typing this, I am on my third piece of string and, coincidentally, my third failed attempt. Apparently, discouragement smells like nail polish remover, and looks like a perfectly cut-free bottle. However, I do leave you with my ultimate success: intact fingertips. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I did manage to escape without any harm to my digits; I wish you this same joy as you go through your evening and your Pintempts.
I have decided to share with you one of my favorite Pinterest finds: the DIY pore cleansing mask. First, I should share with you my opinion on DIY things: if it involves your skin, your plumbing, or your house’s structure, don’t do it. That having been said, I violated the first part of that statement, and now share with you the fruits of my risk.
To make this mask, you need two ingredients: unflavored gelatin and water. The unflavored gelatin comes in little packets in a box, much like instant oatmeal. Pour one of the little packets into a microwave safe container, and add water until there are no more dry bits. Set that aside, wash your face thoroughly, and then microwave the mixture for about 15 seconds or until warm. Then (as disgusting as it sounds) apply the mixture to your face in a nice, thick paste, avoiding the eyebrows. I HIGHLY recommend not doing this in the presence of any other human being, as even my boyfriend of a year and a half couldn’t resist asking why there was a paste on my face with the consistency of boogers. Now, with that snot-tastic paste firmly adhered to your flesh, wait for it to dry. “But, Amelia, how will I know when it’s dry enough?” You’ll know it’s dry when your face feels like it’s going to split if you show any emotion; you’ll feel like you swapped skin with the over-injected Dolly Parton. Now, while still alone, peel your face off gently. You’ll feel slightly like a lizard, and make sure you discard the remains before anyone comes home, or they will ask why there are bits of snake on your bathroom counter. After you’ve peeled off all you can get, wash your face again, and enjoy the results: a face smooth as a baby’s butt, with many fewer blackheads than before. Ta-da!
So, for any of you reading this who, like me, have been searching for years in vain for effective, cruelty-free skin care, the search is over! Recently I visited Sally Beauty Supply (where I was swiftly convinced into buying a beauty club membership) and was met with a pleasant surprise: fruit-based skin care that is kind to both your skin AND the skin of our furry friends! The name of the line is “Frutique,” and they have cleansers, exfoliating gel, moisturizers, eye de-puffers and more! Even my boyfriend, bless his little heart, has noticed how much happier my little pores look. They’re practically dancing with fruit-enzyme-induced joy. The stuff isn’t exactly cheap, but the bottles are pretty big and I’ve tried MUCH more expensive stuff that didn’t work half as well. So, if you’re tired of hiding your blemishes behind a curtain of concealer, and want to support a PETA-happy company, give this stuff a try.
Well, um, welcome! I’m a stranger to all this blogging business, which is ironic considering how technology-savvy my generation is supposed to be. This shall be my first shot at a blog post. Drum roll, please.
I first thought I might start a blog about animal-friendly beauty; then I thought I would write about pit bulls; then I thought I would write about fitness. Of course, I then paid attention to the little voice in my head reminding me how little I actually know about these things. Thus, my blog shall be a compilation of animal rights, human rights, beauty, health, school, guinea pigs, pit bulls, cross stitching, crocheting, and nerdy things. Good luck sorting through it!